A 39-year-old Auburn Hills man was charged Monday with attempting to kill his mother-in-law in a weekend stabbing. Daniel R. Furister was charged with assault with intent to commit murder after stabbing his 70-year-old mother-in-law with a knife. Magistrate Lawrence Johnson ordered Furister held in the Oakland County Jail under a $200,000 cash bond and set a preliminary examination for Nov. 13.Truly these as sad days in which we live, that a man could have such disrespect for the woman who bore his own wife. Jails today house a larger percentage of the general population than at any time in the Nation's history. Drugs and gang activity make the city streets unsafe for the law-abiding citizen. Police forces all across the country are beleaguered by an endless rise in violent crime, domestic strife and general lawlessness. The divorce rate discourages many young couples from even considering marriage. Disrespect for life is seen in the appalling abortion rate and calls for doctor-assisted "death with dignity." But is the example presented in the article above merely a symptom of the problems endemic in society, or is it possible that such attitudes could bear a causal relationship to the chaos that is evident to all?
Many are aware that the Bible places a high regard on the role of the family as a stabilizing unit within society. The Fourth Commandment tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. Solomon admonishes us: "Keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teachings." St. Paul tells husbands, "love your wives, just as Christ loves the Church"; while "the wife must respect her husband." The older women can "train the younger women to love their husbands and children." Parents are to "train a child in the way he should go"; and are told, "Command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law." So important is one's commitment to the family unit that it can be used as a measure of one's faith: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." These and other admonishments are well known to many of us, and yet disharmony is prevalent in both Christian and non-Christian homes. Could it be that an important part of the family has been forgotten?
The book of Ruth in the Old Testament tells how a Jewish woman, Naomi, went to live with her husband and two sons in the land of Moab. Her husband died, and her sons married Moabite women. After a number of years her sons also died, and Naomi decided to return to her homeland. Naomi was so close to her daughters-in-law that she was forced to argue with them to convince them to stay in Moab for their own good. Orpah finally gave in, but Ruth refused to listen:
Don't urge me to leave or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, And where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. (Ruth 1:16-7).Naomi consented and took Ruth home with her, treating her as her own daughter. Ruth was able to find work in the fields of Boaz, an important land owner in Judah. He showed Ruth special favor, for he had heard of her devotion to her mother-in-law. After following Naomi's advice, Ruth was able win Boaz as a husband, and their great-grandson was none other than King David. Thus, the close relationship between a woman and her husband's mother, even after her husband's death, and in spite of the fact they were of different races, was able to positively alter the future of the entire nation and, perhaps, the world. This is the message of the book of Ruth.
There is no record in Scripture of Jesus ever healing any of the apostles. No mention was ever made of any member of their families ever being healed, with one important exception, which is recounted in three different gospels; Luke's version follows:
Jesus left the synagogue and went to the home of Simon [Peter]. Now Simon's mother- in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her. So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them. (Lk.4:38)Peter's mother-in-law went on as if nothing had ever happened to her; this had been just an inconvenience that kept her from serving her son-in-law and his friends, something that was probably quite natural for her. And it was probably the special relationship that Peter had with his mother-in-law that Jesus remembered from previous visits to his house, causing him to have compassion on her. Perhaps Jesus saw in Peter an unusual strength of character in his devotion to loved ones, and thus later deemed him fit to be the Chief Apostle who would hold the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven.
Today's society looks at in-laws differently than Ruth and Peter did. Instead of respect and admiration we show contempt and indifference. We tell jokes about in-laws and stereotype them in television sit-coms. Stand-up comedians base their monologues on in-laws, and popular films depict them as boors, ignoramuses or lunatics. One popular television series featured a character who, whenever his mother-in-law was mentioned, developed a sour look on his face; a balloon then appeared over his head showing the picture of a hippopotamus. All of these things contribute to the gradual degradation of attitudes toward in-laws. Children see these things and hear the comments we make, and then grow up expecting their in-laws to be terrible people; and when you expect not to like someone, the prophecy is almost always fulfilled. The time has come to replace these attitudes and actions with positive ones which will be beneficial to the individual, the family, and society as a whole.
I have decided that my family will not perpetuate the myth of evil in-laws. Although my father- in-law has passed from this life, time remains for me to honor my mother-in-law; and in order to have a family that is whole, she must be included as an important part. I have made the decision that it is my duty to my mother-in-law, my family, my society and my faith to express only feelings of love and respect for my mother-in-law. If I have love and respect for my wife (which I do), it is only fitting that I express those same attitudes to the one who bore her. As the source of the joy that has entered my life (speaking of my wife), it is only fitting that it is only fitting that I treat her (my mother-in-law) as well as or better than my wife. I give my mother-in-law gifts just as I would my wife, and I call her on the phone (even though it is long-distance) at least once a day, just as I do my wife. I think of her often throughout the day, and send her flowers on occasion. I carry a picture of her with me at all times, and I have one sitting on my desk at work. I have written poems and songs addressed to her, just as I did to my wife during our courtship, and sometimes find myself singing the songs during the day (this balances out the endless love songs played on the radio all day). I have carved a small figurine of my mother-in-law out of a block of pine, and I keep it on the dashboard of my car to remind me of her while I am driving, and thereby calm my nerves. I carved a larger one which I keep in a special pace in my room, and am also working on a 3' tall stone image of her which I will place in the center of the garden in my back yard, in stark contrast to the pagan cupids and Venuses which adorn my neighbors' yards. My mother-in-law, who is a fantastic gardener, will then be able to watch over my garden in effigy and inspire me to work in the yard with greater interest and vigor. Some might think my actions extreme, but what city has not erected a statue to its founder or some war hero? And if a city can honor a person in its remote past in such a manner, surely I can honor the foundation of my marital life in the same way.
My relationship with my mother-in-law has led to an improved state of family life in general. One great advantage that I now have is that when I desire something of my wife, such as my favorite casserole dish, or the living room repainted, or some other special thing, I have an advocate who will add to my voice when entreating my wife. And who is in a better position to ask anything of a woman than her own mother? It is true that we are close as husband and wife, but nothing can approach the flesh and blood communion that a mother and daughter share. Do not think that I am afraid to ask anything of my wife, but the simple truth is that two requests are better than one. Nor is it true that I cannot directly approach my wife on certain matters, it is simply better at times to work through the mediation of another. From time to time, for reasons known only to a woman, my wife will simply decide to grant certain favors only on the condition that I go through a secondary agent; and the agent that she chooses is honored when the request is granted and the intercession proves fruitful. It is reassuring to me to know that by simply picking up the phone I can be in touch with one who is sensitive of my needs and is willing to listen to my problems; and If I cannot reach her by phone I can always leave a message on her answering machine or send her a letter or telegram. Some might suggest that it would be more logical for me to simply approach my wife rather than my mother-in-law because, as they would say, my wife loves me more than my mother-in-law loves me; but while this is true, it is also true that my wife loves my mother-in-law more than she loves me; being of the same flesh and blood, she is more pleasing to my wife than I am, and is therefore more ready to grant her mother's requests than mine.
When my mother-in-law comes to visit our household I see to it that she is treated with all the dignity that she deserves. We give her the use of the master bedroom, free reign in the kitchen, and command of the television remote control. Just as I am "king of the castle" when I am present in the house, so is my mother-in-law "queen mother" when she is here. All of this is very natural for me; I treat her as I would my own mother. When we were married, my wife and I became "one flesh," so my mother- in-law truly is my own mother; and when I address her as "mother," to me it is more than just a title. Some might question this, saying that if my wife's mother is also my mother, am I not then married to my sister? But the truth is that if we are one flesh then she cannot be my sister. The real intent of those who would ask this question is to question the validity of our marriage: to deny her motherhood is to deny that my wife was her mother's daughter, and if so, then I have no wife. Therefore, to attack the notion that my wife's mother is also my own mother is to attack our marriage itself.
I have no difficulty in treating my mother-in-law with respect, for I consider her to be practically the image of perfection itself. This is a viewpoint which is based in scripture, for we are told that a woman is "saved in childbirth." Just as Jesus was perfected by his obedience to the Father, so was my mother-in-law perfected in the trials of childbirth. Thus, when I think of her as a holy woman, she becomes holy to me; and the only time that disagreement can rise between us is when I am acting according to my sinful nature.
I miss my mother-in-law desperately when she is not here visiting. Even though I can talk to her on the phone from time to time, she is not always available: she has bridge and bingo games, doctors' appointments, church activities, and the like. It was in such a time of desperation that I took it upon myself to carve an image of her which I could keep in my house at all times. I keep it on a shelf in my room, so that I will be reminded of her at all times, even though she is far away in Schenectady. Now I can honor her daily by touching her image or bowing before her or kissing her feet as I would if she were actually here. Do not think that my actions are unusual or extreme, for who has not kissed a photo out of love and respect for the person represented? Is it wrong to salute the flag which represents our country and those who gave their lives defending it? And those who travel to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C., do they commit some crime when they reach up to touch a name on the wall or leave flowers before it, or, rather, are they honoring the person who gave their life in defense of home and country? Likewise, my actions are justified in that I revere the image of my mother-in-law only in so far as it reminds me of her. When I kneel before her image, it is to my mother-in-law that I am offering submission, not some lifeless piece of wood; the image simply aids in fixing the reality of my actions in my mind. When my mother-in-law is not here visiting, I am deprived of the opportunity of presenting her with flowers from my garden, (although I can wire flowers to her), so I offer them to her image so that I may benefit from the act of giving even though she may not physically receive them. The candles which I light before her image serve to remind me of the light of her wisdom, and the incense which I burn reminds me of the sweet fragrance of her presence. I dress the image in fine apparel, even as I desire the my mother-in-law be well-dressed when in my presence. Sometimes when she is visiting I am able to convince her to go for a walk with me around our neighborhood; my neighbors will notice this and recognize that I am on good terms with my mother-in-law. So, on certain occasions (such as her birthday), I will carry her image around the neighborhood so that they will be reminded of my love for her. (This is also good exercise.) The children sometimes follow behind, and as we lift up our voices to her, the neighbors can't help but notice! I adorn her with jewelry which she would be too humble to wear in person, and a crown which symbolizes my respect for her queenly position. I explain to my wife that I do these things not just for the sake of her mother: they also help me to better adore her (my wife). For since my wife loves her mother, acts of love that I do for her mother are also an expression of love for my wife. Rather than coming between us, my mother-in-law is the apex of the triangle that connects me to my wife.
Some have objected to my statues, saying that my practices are idolatrous, and that the Second Commandment forbids the making of graven images. In my defense however, I must clarify that the Second Commandment regards the honoring of parents (which would include in-laws), and the phrase regarding graven images is a clause of the First Commandment (regardless of how the Jews and Protestants would number the commandments). If it were truly unlawful to make an image of anything "in the earth, above the earth, or below the earth," then how could we justify the use of photographs, television, billboards or facsimiles? Secondly, it is not the image that I kneel before, but rather my mother-in-law, and any honor that you say I am offering a statue is in truth offered to a living person (this I know in my heart). Finally, I am not worshipping my mother-in-law, I am simply offering her homage, veneration and reverence; only God is worthy of worship. Webster states that worship is "adoration or reverence paid to God," and I realize that my mother-in-law is not God; therefore, I cannot be guilty of worshipping her.
When my mother-in-law arrives at the airport or when I speak to her on the phone, I greet her with a special poem which I composed some time ago. This brings joy to her (at least, this is my intention), and it also places me in the proper attitude for being in her presence. It occurred to me at one point that I could maintain this proper attitude at all times if I recited the poem even when she was not immediately nearby. I discovered that when I repeated the poem to myself a number of times (say, fifty), I could elevate myself from whatever dismal state I might be in to a plane of blissful peace wherein I remember or anticipate her gracious presence. As I attempted to do this daily, I discovered that different interruptions (such as the phone ringing, someone at the door or even my wife) would cause me to lose count and force me to start over. Therefore, I found it necessary to create some tool which I could use as an aid to memory and which I could carry with me at all times. Knowing that my mother-in-law is very fond of daffodils (she has many growing in her yard, as do I), I searched all over town until I finally found a jeweler who sold tiny, silver, daffodil charms. I ordered fifty of these, as well as ten larger crab apples, which remind me of my wife (we first kissed beneath a crab apple tree). I strung these all on a chain, the apples being evenly intermixed between the daffodils. Now I can easily keep track of the number of poems I have recited to my mother-in-law and my wife. I call this chain my "Daffodia," (or, "chain of daffodils"), or as my two-year-old son would say, "Daffy." This special form of devotion allows me to meditate on the joys, the sorrows or the glories of marriage and family life; as I recite the poems my mind drifts and I am lifted from this present world to a more perfect one. I truly recommend this for all who would seek to improve their marriage and family life, for by it I have been enlightened of many of the mysteries of marriage. For those who cannot afford or otherwise obtain marital counseling, its continued use can serve as a substitute tool in healing the rifts that can occur between two marital partners.
Some people, to whom I have explained my practice of the dafodia, have objected to it, saying that they could not do it, as it would take too much time away from their wives; but they have failed to understand that they should be doing this for their wives: the wife is being honored directly by her poem, and she is being honored indirectly by the honor given to the one she loves, her mother. "This being the case," they continue, "wouldn't one poem to the wife for each offered to her mother, rather than one to ten, be more appropriate?" That would be fine for some other form of devotion, but it is not the Daffodia. The Daffodia is an expression of love toward my mother-in-law, which is in itself and expression of love for my wife. And other forms of devotion are simply not as efficient in meeting the goal of obtaining favors from my wife, as my mother-in-law only has to speak, and her daughter performs. When my wife sees my devotion for her mother, she is only more willing to grant my requests. Furthermore, the objectors fail to grasp that the number of poems recited is immaterial: it is the state of mind and the attitude of the heart that makes the difference.
One time when my mother-in-law was visiting, she noticed that my younger son was pestering me for something that he wanted. (He'll do this sometimes: he'll keep asking for something, regardless of how many times you tell him, "No.") She told him, "Stop that worthless, incessant repetition! Do you think you'll get what you want just because you keep asking for it?" He answered, "Yes." Later, I thought about this, wondering if perhaps I were doing the same thing with my Daffodia (for, even though she has never given me the honor of completing the chain before her, I have done it before her in my heart, and that is what counts). Upon full reflection, however, I decided that my entreaties are not like those of son, and would not find her disfavor. First of all, I am not a child, so one could not fairly compare my motives to his, nor am I asking for the same things that he is. Secondly, my poems are not worthless, as she called my son's bantering, rather, they each have an intrinsic worth: each poem serves to bring me close to my mother-in-law, as long as it is offered with the proper attitude. Thus, she could not possibly reject the useful poems which are repeated by the man who is married to her daughter.
I am certain that my mother-in-law approves of the ways in which I express my love for her, for she has expressed her love in the form of a small token which she gave me last Christmas. It was a piece of cloth which she had cut from her own shawl, and upon which she stitched the words, "Keep this with you at all times, and you will never suffer the pains of divorce." Who would not be thrilled to have such a promise made to them, especially in the day in which we live, where more than half of all marriages end in divorce! Truly it is the best Christmas gift that I could ever receive, and I wear the cloth around my neck at all times. Such are the benefits of maintaining a positive relationship with one's mother-in-law.
To those who would say that I am placing too great an emphasis on my mother-in-law I will answer that to eliminate the mother-in-law is to eliminate the daughter, and to eliminate the daughter is to eliminate my marriage! To them I will say, "You keep your failing marriage, but make no attempt to undermine mine!" Let my marriage serve as an example of what marriage should be: communion and wholeness at all levels, not the self-centered, limited agreements of autonomy that are prevalent in today's society. Let those who say that my actions are confusing my children realize that children need a positive model to counteract the negative model of in-laws portrayed in the media. Let us all learn from the great example of the Virgin Mary, who, as Mother to Jesus, our spouse, ("for we are the bride of Christ"), becomes the greatest Mother-in-law of all.
Carty, C. & Rumble, L., Virgin and Statue Worship Quizzes to a Street Preacher, Tan Books, Rockford, Il., 1976.
Landis, C. & Bolles, M., Textbook of Abnormal Psychology, Macmillan, New York, 1950.
O'Brien, John A., The Faith of Millions: The Credentials of the Catholic Church, Our Sunday Visitor, Huntington, In.,1938.
Paul VI, Apostolic Exhortation for the Right Ordering and Development of Devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, Daughters of St. Paul, Boston, Ma., 1974.
Copyright 1993 by Zechariah T. Blackwood